Are others violating your boundaries?

If you ever felt like a doormat this newsletter is for you!

Photo by Max van den Oetelaar on Unsplash

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Living in a bustling city like Amsterdam, apartments are like puzzle pieces – close-knit and full of character. But sometimes, character can come with a side of… well, let's just say "interesting" neighbors.

This was definitely the case with me and my first Dutch neighbor, whom I only called "Buurvrouw" (pronounced "boor-vrouw"), which means "neighbor" in Dutch. 

When, I just moved into the building, together with my teenage brother, after the death of my father I was feeling a bit vulnerable I was desperate to impress my neighbors, and forge solid relationships with them. My mother and grandmother had taught me to develop a good relationship with neighbors.

I needed Buurvrouw to like me and in my head, I had this idea of friendly chats in the hall, exchanging recipes and watching us grow in the seasons of our lives, after all, that is what I had been used to growing up in New York, watching my grandmother and her neighbor's relationships. Well….let’s just say Buurvrouw had other ideas.

Being a seasoned resident, Buurvrouw,  invited me over for coffee. I was hopeful – maybe this would be the start of a friendly Amsterdam adventure! Little did I know, it was the beginning of a comedy of misunderstandings, all thanks to noise.

I would come to know Buurvrouw as a quintessential character, a fixture in the building with a presence that was both unassuming and unforgettable. As a short woman, she stood out in the land of giants, the Dutch being the tallest people in the world and I would later learn she was in her early seventies. She had a slight hunch in her back, barely noticeable but there nonetheless, gave her a determined air. Her short hair, a delightful blend of white and grey framed her round face. I could never quite imagine Buurvrouw without her glasses, perched perfectly on her nose as if they were an extension of herself. She had a brisk walk and rarely stopped to speak to me, just passing in the hallway hello. Completing the picture was a small backpack, a constant companion.

Photo by Niklas Hamann on Unsplash

Buurvrouw had a serious appreciation for silence. While my brother and I  respectfully did our best to keep the noise down, well, life happens. There'd be the occasional laugh from my brother watching a funny video, or maybe the innocent clatter of dishes being done.  Or a summer afternoon spent on the balcony with a friend and an ice-cold mint tea, soaking up the rays of sunshine and enjoying good conversation as the scent of the lavender plants perfumed the air. Unfortunately like clockwork Buurvrouw would slam her balcony door not before staring us down from her balcony and I felt embarrassed but I remained silent.

If I made any noise like clockwork, the knock on the door would come. Buurvrouw, a picture of Dutch politeness (kind of rude to every one except the Dutch), would politely (but firmly and very very directly) request we keep it down.

This went on for a few years. I felt like a prisoner in my apartment, constantly tiptoeing around, terrified of upsetting my neighbor. But in hindsight, I didn’t tell her. I set no boundaries. And often that is the case.

After a few years of feeling like a nervous wreck when I knew we would make noise that would garner that familiar gentle knock on the door, the dam broke. I had just finished cleaning the house and I felt like listening to a nasheed, just one because I had an appointment, and in all honesty I put the volume up, not so loud that it would drown out the sound of two people speaking but loud enough that I knew my neighbor (if home) would come knocking.

The inevitable knock came, and this time, I snapped. Years of pent-up frustration poured out. I told Buurvrouw everything – the fear, the tiptoeing, the feeling of being controlled. It wasn't my proudest moment, but it was honest.

Photo by Andre Hunter on Unsplash

To my surprise, Buurvrouw didn't erupt.  Instead, she asked me why I had not told her before and I thought to myself, “Yeah, why hadn’t I told her before?”

I had hoped she would just get it. I was afraid to be disliked by her, afraid of the imagined cost of setting a boundary, and in the end, it had cost me and cost me the potential of a good relationship with my neighbor.

Has this ever happened to you? Have you expected that someone would just know what your boundaries are? Or perhaps you communicated your boundary in such a manner that we haven’t set a clear boundary. We tend to do that.

Looking back, I realized I should have set boundaries earlier, maybe over that initial cup of coffee. A simple, "We'll do our best to keep the noise down, but living in an apartment building means some noise is inevitable," could have saved us both a lot of stress.

But, what exactly is a boundary?

A personal boundary is an invisible line that marks what's acceptable and what's not in a relationship, situation, or even with yourself. It's about setting limits on how you'll be treated and how you'll interact with others. Boundaries can be physical, emotional, mental, religious or even material.

Setting a personal boundary can feel uncomfortable. This can make you want to run away, and often what we do is simply cave and not set our boundaries or do it in a manner that it is not clear to the other person that you have set a boundary. Sometimes there are cultural barriers to setting boundaries but setting boundaries and enforcing them is an important life skill to have that protects us.

Boundaries in the Quran

Allah has taught us in the Quran, the Book with no crookedness, about the importance of boundaries and given us the blueprint to set them in our own lives.

Physical Boundaries:

24:27 يَـٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ لَا تَدْخُلُوا۟ بُيُوتًا غَيْرَ بُيُوتِكُمْ حَتَّىٰ تَسْتَأْنِسُوا۟ وَتُسَلِّمُوا۟ عَلَىٰٓ أَهْلِهَا ۚ ذَٰلِكُمْ خَيْرٌۭ لَّكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَذَكَّرُونَ ٢٧

O believers! Do not enter any house other than your own until you have asked for permission and greeted its occupants. This is best for you, so perhaps you will be mindful.

This ayah instructs believers to seek permission and greet occupants before entering a home. This ensures privacy and respect, fostering a sense of trust and comfort within communities.

Emotional Boundaries

39:53 ۞ قُلْ يَـٰعِبَادِىَ ٱلَّذِينَ أَسْرَفُوا۟ عَلَىٰٓ أَنفُسِهِمْ لَا تَقْنَطُوا۟ مِن رَّحْمَةِ ٱللَّهِ ۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ يَغْفِرُ ٱلذُّنُوبَ جَمِيعًا ۚ إِنَّهُۥ هُوَ ٱلْغَفُورُ ٱلرَّحِيمُ ٥٣

Say, ˹O Prophet, that Allah says,˺ “O My servants who have exceeded the limits against their souls! Do not lose hope in Allah’s mercy, for Allah certainly forgives all sins.[1] He is indeed the All-Forgiving, Most Merciful.

This ayah highlights the importance of emotional boundaries by emphasizing Allah's boundless forgiveness and compassion. It encourages us to set healthy boundaries with ourselves and others, recognizing that mistakes are inevitable and that Allah's mercy is always available for those who seek it. By establishing clear emotional boundaries, we can foster healthier relationships, maintain self-respect, and experience greater peace of mind.

Religious Boundaries

109:1 قُلْ يَـٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلْكَـٰفِرُونَ ١

Say, ˹O Prophet,˺ “O you disbelievers!

109:2 لَآ أَعْبُدُ مَا تَعْبُدُونَ ٢

I do not worship what you worship, —

109:3 وَلَآ أَنتُمْ عَـٰبِدُونَ مَآ أَعْبُدُ ٣

nor do you worship what I worship. —

109:4 وَلَآ أَنَا۠ عَابِدٌۭ مَّا عَبَدتُّمْ ٤

I will never worship what you worship,

109:5 وَلَآ أَنتُمْ عَـٰبِدُونَ مَآ أَعْبُدُ ٥

nor will you ever worship what I worship. —

109:6 لَكُمْ دِينُكُمْ وَلِىَ دِينِ ٦

You have your way, and I have my Way.”

This surah is directly telling us how to respond and how to set a boundary. It is clear, and there is no vagueness in the ayah. Boundaries need to be communicated clearly with no room for misunderstanding.

Photo by RUMEYSA AYDIN on Unsplash

As for Buurvrouw years passed, and despite the awkwardness, I always wanted to make things right. Every Eid (a Muslim holiday), I'd resolve to bake her cookies, but fear held me back. Then, last December, Allah swt allowed me to put things right with Buurvrouw.

Buurvrouw, the ever-independent one, needed assistance in going to the hospital after an accident.  A small act of kindness which, turned out to be the last time I would see her alive. As I held her and, she no longer seemed frightening. Simply an elderly lady needing compassion and care. Maybe all her complaints about noise weren’t really about noise after all. Allah knows best. Because this past April, she passed away. Her brother messaged me, saying she'd sent a special greeting and thank you for my help. And that my act of kindness meant a great deal to her.  That one act, that small bridge I finally built, meant the world to her, and that, in a way, brought a sense of peace.

Buurvrouw may be gone,  but the lesson remains. Boundaries are essential. They protect our values and allow us to build meaningful relationships.

Coaching Question

What has a lack of boundaries cost you?

There will be a cost you are paying without even knowing it. Take time to ponder the question but remember you are responsible for your personal boundaries, therefore avoid falling into the blame game. Be courageous and be honest with yourself.

Next week I’ll continue with how to set boundaries, inshaaAllah.

Thank you so much for supporting my work. If this newsletter has benefitted you share it with 5 others, it would mean a great deal to me. Thank you.

Much love,

Nour Cauvern

Joyful Picks: Unleashing Castor Oil's Super Power

Disclaimer: As always, consult your doctor before using castor oil, especially if you have any underlying health conditions.

Guess what? I'm glowing from the inside out, and it's all thanks to a little something called castor oil!

This natural wonder has been a game-changer for my beauty routine. A few drops on my face before bed leave my skin feeling soft, dewy, and oh-so-amazing. But castor oil's awesomeness doesn't stop there!

The other day I walked 22,000-steps and by the end of the day I felt like I would fall over. My muscles were screaming! That's when I whipped up some castor oil, and a pinch each of cayenne pepper, ginger powder, and turmeric powder. Let me tell you, this concoction rubbed onto my sore muscles brought sweet relief in a flash!

Castor oil has worked wonders to make my hair grow much faster too. I have been using rosemary oil for a few years together with coconut oil as a carrier oil but once replaced it with castor oil, my hair started growing significantly faster. MashAllah.

Castor oil is a natural multi-tasker. Have you tried it for…?

Let me know in the comments what you use castor oil for and if you don’t share your own natural remedies you can’t do without.

Did you know that the Prophet (saw) told us Allah (SWT) has provided a cure for every disease?

Jabir reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Every disease has a cure. If a cure is applied to the disease, it is relieved by the permission of Allah Almighty.”

Source: Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 2204

Share your favorite ways to use it in the comments below, and let's spread the joy together! Remember, a little natural goodness can go a long way!