Honoring an Abusive Mother: Finding Strength and Peace
Sharing some tips to help you navigate a challenging relationship.
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One of the greatest tests of patience and faith can come from strained relationships within the family. For some, this test might involve navigating a relationship with an abusive mother. Islam calls us to honor and show kindness to our parents, even when the relationship is fraught with challenges.
Make Regular Dua for an Abusive Mother—and for Yourself
Dua is a powerful way to align your actions with your intentions. Allah reminds us in the Qur’an:
“And be humble with them out of mercy, and pray, ‘My Lord! Be merciful to them as they raised me when I was young.’”
(Surah Al-Isra, 17:24)
Even if your mother’s behavior is hurtful, consistently praying for her can soften your heart and bring you closer to Allah. Try these duas:
“O Allah, soften her heart and bring peace between us.”
Seek forgiveness for both of you: “My Lord, forgive me and my parents.”
Why does this help? Dua invites Allah’s guidance and blessings into your relationship. It shifts the focus from the pain of the situation to hope and healing. Consistent dua also strengthens your resilience, giving you the emotional capacity to remain kind, even in difficult moments.
Practice Calm Responses and De-Escalation Techniques
When emotions run high, responding calmly can prevent conflicts from escalating further. Allah commanded Musa (AS) to speak gently even to Pharaoh, a man of extreme arrogance and tyranny:
“And speak to him gently, that perhaps he may be reminded or fear [Allah].”
(Surah Ta-Ha, 20:44)
Take these practical steps to maintain calm during interactions:
• Speak slowly and avoid defensive or accusatory language.
• Take a deep breath before responding. This small pause helps you stay grounded.
• Politely excuse yourself if a conversation becomes too heated: “I’ll step away for a moment to collect my thoughts.”
Why does this help? Calmness protects your inner peace and prevents the situation from escalating further. A composed response can disarm anger and create space for more constructive communication.
Seek Support from Friends or Counselors
Even Musa (AS) asked Allah to strengthen him with the support of his brother:
“And appoint for me a helper from my family, Harun, my brother. Increase through him my strength and let him share my task.”
(Surah Ta-Ha, 20:29-32)
Similarly, you don’t have to carry this burden alone. Share your struggles with trusted friends or a counselor who can offer a listening ear and valuable guidance. Friends can provide emotional support, but it’s important to recognize their limitations—they are not mental health professionals. If the situation feels overwhelming, seek help from a trained therapist who can provide practical tools to navigate these challenges.
Why does this help? Support systems remind you that you’re not alone in your struggles. A counselor can offer perspective and strategies for managing your emotions and boundaries in a healthy way.
Plan for Self-Care and Restoration
After a particularly difficult interaction, take time to care for your emotional well-being. Some restorative practices such as:
• Journaling your thoughts and feelings.
• Taking a walk to clear your mind.
• Making dua or engaging in acts of worship to reconnect with Allah.
Why does this help? Self-care replenishes your emotional reserves, allowing you to approach future challenges with patience and strength. It also reminds you that your well-being matters, even as you strive to honor your mother.
Final Reflections
Navigating a relationship with an abusive mother is an immense challenge, but it can also be a means of spiritual growth. By making regular dua, practicing calm responses, seeking support, and prioritizing self-care, you can honor your mother while protecting your own emotional well-being.
Remember that your kindness and patience are seen by Allah, even when they go unrecognized by others:
Honor with grace, protect with dua, and find peace through patience—for every act of kindness is seen by Allah.
Journaling prompt
What steps can you take today to approach your relationship with renewed patience and faith?
Reflect on your intentions, and remember that every effort you make to please Allah will bring you closer to Him.
Much love 💕
Nour Cauveren
This is a very important topic. Many parents abuse their God-given status and authority, and the children have to cope with that and balance between doing what Allah swt tells them to and standing up for themselves. It's not an easy position to be in, and the human-ness of it all makes things so messy. An abusive parent is often much more than just "abusive." Regular people do hurtful things. It's highly likely that one abusive behavior is mixed with many good and healthy behaviors.
Alhamdu’lillah yes they do unfortunately. And it is difficult. May Allah make it easy Ameen