How can I forgive when they are wretched?
How can I forgive? It hurts so bad!
﷽
Trigger Warning: This newsletter contains references to murder, violence, trauma, and grief. If you are sensitive to these topics, please proceed with caution or skip this newsletter.
It also explores the profound themes of forgiveness and healing, which may resonate with you on a deeply personal level. I encourage you to approach this material with the tenderness you deserve. If you feel overwhelmed or triggered, please take a break and return when you feel ready. Your well-being is my utmost priority.
I hope these words bring you solace and understanding. May you find the peace you seek and the warmth of healing within these pages ameen.
Ramadan is right around the corner and it’s a time to pause and reflect. This newsletter introduces the theme we will explore for the next 5 newsletters: Forgiveness. We’ll explore why it can feel so hard to forgive, how to overcome the difficulty and learn to let go and move forward in our lives InShaaAllah .
Recently I attended an intimate event with sisters and one of the sisters said she was working on forgiving others before Ramadan. It reminded me of my own inner work. A few years ago I decided I wanted to prepare like the Companions of the Prophet ﷺ did and start 6 months before. But how did they prepare for Ramadan? I discovered that one of the aspects was to forgive.
We have a tendency to carry our hurt with us and as life progresses we pile on more hurt. But at what cost? Todays negative belief we will unravel is: “How can I forgive?’
I know it’s a question but often people experience it as a statement. How so? Because the idea of forgiving some people can be so painful the how becomes blocked out. I’ve had clients in the past who would immediately start to rationalize why forgiving was impossible for them. They asked themselves the question of how to forgive but what they are in fact asking is why should they forgive. This is clear by the rationalization and the reasons they come up with as to why forgiving is impossible in their situation. It is this rationalization behind the question of how to forgive the we will be tackling as our negative belief.
If you have ever felt it is impossible for you to forgive someone this newsletter is for you.
This week in order to answer the question as to how to forgive, we must first understand why we need to forgive. The practical way of how to forgive will be in next week’s newsletter InShaaAllah.
Thus the how can I forgive has moved to why should I forgive?
Trying to forgive when you don’t full understand on both an intellectual and more importantly emotional level why you should forgive is like trying to drive a car without fuel, it’s not going anywhere.
The story I am about to tell you is my own and it is the first time I am sharing it with such detail. It's not easy but I do it because I realized that there is benefit and goodness in sharing what I have learned from my suffering.
A Girl and Her Daddy
My father was the great love of my life. He was a man's man, with a full black beard, broad shoulders and chubby cheeks. My father’s calloused hands, were a testimony of the hard labor he endured with pride to care for his family. I knew I held a special place in his heart because I was a girl and although he was tough on me, he was gentle at the same time and I felt safe with him.
If I close my eyes I can still feel the soft touch of his rough hands scratching my cheeks. I was safe with my daddy. A girl needs that as she grows from girlhood into womanhood. I never recall him telling me he loved me, and I cried tears as a girl thinking at times he did not love me. It wasn't until he died that the enormity of his love became apparent.
My Daddy died young, and that is something I had never imagined would happen.
But on that December day , before sunrise, the darkness of night still encapsulating the sky, one of my brothers spoke words that would change my life forever.
”Dad’s been murdered.”
Those words sent me into shock, I screamed “I want to die.” I kept screaming. My younger brother woke up in a panic and the rest is a blur.
I remember a few scenes from that time period and one that’s vivid happened some days or maybe a day later, it is difficult to tell as time seems frozen in my memories. It's like scattered scenes stuck in Jello-O. You can make it out, but it’s fuzzy, obscured by layers of emotional Jello-O.
The memory that has stayed with me is of me standing in our family’s kitchen , my legs giving way and my body falling to the ground. I lay on that kitchen floor, sobbing and crying out to my Lord.
“I can’t survive this God.”
What followed I can only describe as my heart speaking, and said: Forgive.
As raw as my pain was, my father’s killer still free, I knew that forgiveness was the only way to survive.
But … as I worked on forgiving the man who murdered my father, I realized I wasn’t able to forgive others for much smaller transgressions and it left me perplexed.
My father’s murder was so huge, so painful it forced me to forgive because my heart knew I would otherwise break. It was one of the hardest things I did in my life. Especially since after my father’s death, one of my brothers passed away, never having reconciled the loss of our father. And the murderer who caused our family so much pain was alive, and set free in 2018, and my brother died, in 2019, never having found closure, Alhamduliah.
Like my father, my brother died young, younger than our father, and our last conversation was about my brother’s in ability to move on from the loss.
It was HARD
But…
Ya Allah Only You Can Help Me
Islam is a beautiful religion which truly gives us the answers to all of life’s struggles and for me that came from several sources. Allah always sends you what you need, even if you don’t recognize it at the time.
How can I forgive ? I struggled with this and Allah guided me to why I should forgive in the Quran.
Our beloved mother Aisha (ra) the wife of the Prophet ﷺ was slandered by a her cousin, a man her father Abu Bakr (ra) supported financially. Wow can you imagine being slandered by your own family?
I am sure you can because it is often our family who causes us the most pain.
Whilst my heart feels sadness for what was done to our beloved mother Aisha (ra), I also find comfort in knowing that I am not alone. You see dear friend, my father was murdered by one of my cousins, a criminal who was convicted of many heinous crimes, but unfortunately never for the murder of my father, Alhamduliah.
Aisha’s (ra) slander was a betrayal of momentous proportions and yet when her father Abu Bakr (ra) full or rage discovered who had slandered his daughter, he was determined and had made an oath to no longer support Mistah (ra), one of the slanders, and Abu Bakr (ra) own blood relative. And in response Allah (swt) revealed the following:
وَلَا يَأْتَلِ أُو۟لُوا۟ ٱلْفَضْلِ مِنكُمْ وَٱلسَّعَةِ أَن يُؤْتُوٓا۟ أُو۟لِى ٱلْقُرْبَىٰ وَٱلْمَسَـٰكِينَ وَٱلْمُهَـٰجِرِينَ فِى سَبِيلِ ٱللَّهِ ۖ وَلْيَعْفُوا۟ وَلْيَصْفَحُوٓا۟ ۗ أَلَا تُحِبُّونَ أَن يَغْفِرَ ٱللَّهُ لَكُمْ ۗ وَٱللَّهُ غَفُورٌۭ رَّحِيمٌ ٢٢
Do not let the people of virtue and affluence among you swear to suspend donations to their relatives, the needy, and the emigrants in the cause of Allah. Let them pardon and forgive. Do you not love to be forgiven by Allah? And Allah is All-Forgiving, Most Merciful.
Tadabbur (Reflecting on the Quran)
This ayah has so many beneficial lessons but let me extract two practical benefits that we can use as this week's tips.
Forgiveness is Beneficial: Allah advises us that forgiveness is not just a noble act, but it’s also beneficial for us. Holding onto anger and resentment can be harmful to our own well-being. By forgiving, we free ourselves from these negative emotions.
Choice in Forgiveness: While forgiveness is encouraged, Islam recognizes that it’s not always easy. Therefore, it’s presented as a choice. This acknowledges our human emotions and the complexity of our experiences.
These lessons remind us to strive for forgiveness, but also understand that it’s a journey that may take time. It’s okay if we’re not always ready to forgive. What’s important is our continuous effort to cultivate forgiveness in our hearts. May Allah grant you strength and patience in your journey, Ameen.
Yahya Ibarhim once said the following to me regarding my father’s murder.
“The power of forgiving is freedom. And if you are able, inshaaAllah, to set in your heart that the greatest justice will be on the Day of Judgement, and that Allah SWT is the One who can accept the repentance of others. Not because you forgive it means you absolve them of the mistake. You can forgive but can still ask Allah SWT to give you the reward and to give them what Allah SWT knows they deserve. A part of forgiveness is to say: Oh Allah all I can do in the dunya is ask You to remove this from my heart so that I can forgive them and I ask You for justice for me in this life and make it a reward for me in the akhira.”
Practical Tip One
Practical tip one that you can apply is to journal on what freedom means to you and how it will draw you closer to Allah.
The reason for this journalling exercise is because it will help you to understand what you need in order to be able to let go. What you need will look different from what others needs and that is okay. To be able to extract the benefits of forgiving you need to know what you need first otherwise it will feel forced and you will resist forgiving.
The why forgive is your own freedom. And the choice of freedom has been given to you. Yes you have a choice, I know it does not feel that way but you do.
I have experienced that freedom and it lead me to want to forgive everyone who has ever harmed me and I realized that the reason I was holding on to small slights is because I did not process my feelings or speak the truth of my hurt. I thought that getting over it meant to just let it slide. Whether to say something to the other or not is dependant on the situation. But you can sit with yourself, give your feelings a place and talk to Allah and ask for His support, and support from someone you can trust.
Practical Tip Two:
Practical tip two from our deen is seeking Allah’s forgiveness:
Journal on all the benefits of seeking Allah’s forgiveness and how it will set you free. Again make a list and take time to digest it. Sit with it and feel what is coming up for you and keep your connecction close to Allah. He is always there to listen to you.
Phew I need a breather this has been heavy. But I promise the next few newsletters will be lighter as we will explore the steps on how to forgive, let go, and thrive in the next 4 newsletters, inshaaAllah.
Three Coaching Questions
For today I want to leave you with 3 coaching questions that I asked myself several years ago when I started to attempt to prepare like the Companions of the Prophets ﷺ
1)Who do I NEED to forgive?
2)Who do I WANT to forgive?
3) Whose forgiveness do I need to seek?
The last question actually helped me to start to let go. Part of knowing how to forgive to to realize that we too are in need of forgiveness and as life progresses we will hurt others either intentionally or unintentionally.
Allah asks us in surah Nur : Do you not love to be forgiven by Allah? And Allah is All-Forgiving, Most Merciful.
I realized that forgiving others even those who continually cause harm (we will talk about setting boundaries in next week’s newsletter) is better for me and part of the freedom is being set free from the shackles of the emotional hold the person who harmed you has over you.
I AM FREE
My cousin has no hold over me. I am free. I am contented and I am at peace. And I seek the reward from Allah knowing that He will provide the ultimate and only true justice.
And by asking myself whose forgiveness do I need it makes me mindful of my interactions with others. I seek forgiveness when I am wrong and I do my best not to harm others, but sometimes I do and then I race to seek forgiveness of the person and Allah. This too is a form of empowerment. I don't expect the other person to forgive me. And that is okay, they are on their own journey. But I know that Allah WILL forgive a sincere act of repentance.
I know you probably are saying but my situation is different….
How long has the “but” kept you imprisoned? And how will letting go set you free?
I have lived betrayal, drank from it’s bitter cup, felt the deep wounds and I can with truth and honesty say I would not change a single thing.
I feel so blessed by Allah. From my heartache came blessings. I will teach you a 7 minute exercise hack that will shift you from pain to positivity. It is a hack I developed for my coaching clients, to extract those blessing and lessons from any painful life event. Be sure to subscribe to this newsletter as this hack will be will be shared in an upcoming newsletter and trust me you don’t want to miss out.
My friend remember to be kind and compassionate with yourself and if you need to speak, go first to Allah, and then to someone you trust. I am here too, drop me a note in the comments or send me a private DM, or reply to this. Remember you are not alone:
50:16 وَلَقَدْ خَلَقْنَا ٱلْإِنسَـٰنَ وَنَعْلَمُ مَا تُوَسْوِسُ بِهِۦ نَفْسُهُۥ ۖ وَنَحْنُ أَقْرَبُ إِلَيْهِ مِنْ حَبْلِ ٱلْوَرِيدِ ١٦
Indeed, ˹it is˺ We ˹Who˺ created humankind and ˹fully˺ know what their souls whisper to them, and We are closer to them than ˹their˺ jugular vein.
The remainder of this 5 week series on forgiveness will be lighter in content and I will share exercises I developed that will uplift you, I promise. I wish for you is that at the end of the 5 weeks you will be set free, and bask in serenity. Sometimes to attain the serenity we desire we need to face the pain that is keeping us from experiencing serenity, peace, balance and contentment.
If you feel you are ready to let go drop me a message in the comments section or by hitting reply and if you can't find the words to express it, simply reply with 💖.
For those who want to have more resources on forgiveness I invite you to listen to Yahya Ibrahim, I love this man for the sake of Allah and I am grateful for those words of comfort he shared with me back in 2019, May Allah reward him with Jannatul Firdaus ameen.
Thank you for giving me your time and allowing me to hold your hand on this journey we are on together. I love you for the sake of Allah, and listen to me, when I say I love you for the sake of Allah it is because I really do.
Much love,
Nour
I am falling deeply in love with the Prophet ﷺ as I read Yasir Qahdi's Sirah of the Prophet ﷺ. I am 100 pages in and have been calling and apping friends to tell them YOU MUST READ THIS BOOK. This is a seerah (biography) that draws practical and original benefits and the writing makes me feel like I am an eye witness. I have laughed, I have cried, I have smiled and I have felt like my Prophet ﷺ is close to me because I can feel that love with which he ﷺ carried out his ﷺ mission for me, for you, for his ﷺ ummah.
Which story from the seerah resonates with you most? Drop me a comment below.
I'll share mine next week inshaaAllah.
And just one last thing, I need your support. If you have found benefit in this newsletter, subscribe and share it with others.
It is my mission to reach 1,000 subscribers by end the year, inshaAllah. I can’t reach that goal without you, my dear reader friends. Help me achieve that, I need you.
Thank you my friend. I love you for the sake of Allah and when I say that I love you for the sake of Allah it is because I really do.
Much Love Nour.
It takes a lot of courage to step out of difficult situations and make a positive impact on other human beings.
I am deeply inspired to follow on your foot steps
jazakAllah khayran for your vulnerability, bravery, and trust with such a personal event. It was an emotional, yet thought-provoking and healing, read and I am looking forward to the rest of this series