How to Forgive Someone: A Step by Step Guide
This is part 1 and it outlines the steps you can take to facilitate the process of forgiveness and ultimately move forward, inshaaAllah.
﷽
In last week's article, "How Can I Forgive When They Are Wretched?" we delved in-depth into why you should forgive, as understanding why you should forgive is the prerequisite to successfully forgiving. For the remainder of this 5-week series on forgiveness, we will focus on the steps on how to forgive. It should be noted that I have divided the steps to make it a more practical guide. The steps are not set in stone, nor do they need to occur linearly; there can be overlap, regression, or skipping a step altogether. I devised these steps based on my experience as a professional Muslim coach, having coached over 100 women to date, my expertise in emotional resilience, research, and my journey with forgiveness. In this article, we will cover the first three steps to forgiving someone.
Ramadan is upon us, and it is a month that we seek forgiveness from Allah and others. It is a time of introspection and change when we sincerely strive to become better Muslims for the sake of Allah. I have set the intention that this Ramadan I will become a person who forgives swiftly, and I will seek forgiveness swiftly and I will express my anger in a healthy manner. To achieve that, I had to ask myself some vital questions, I have shared with you in this newsletter.
The negative belief we are tackling today is that letting go and forgiving is hard. We are doing so by breaking it down into digestible steps and making it more actionable and practical.
Steps to Forgiving
Step 1: Seek Forgiveness from Allah
The first step is to seek forgiveness from Allah. You can't go wrong when you turn to Allah and ask for forgiveness. Often, when we have been wronged by another, we can become so wrapped up in our hurt that we lose sight of the fact that we are all in need of Allah's forgiveness. Seeking forgiveness increases us both in bounty from Allah and closeness to Allah. It is a humbling act and a reminder that we are not without flaws.
Living with hurt can cause you to start to think of yourself as blameless. I am not saying you are to blame for the hurt you have endured. Instead, what I am saying is that when you focus too much on the hurt inflicted on you, there is a tendency to become blind to your flaws and your own need for forgiveness.
Allah SWT tells us in the Quran in Surah Hud:
11:52 وَيَـٰقَوْمِ ٱسْتَغْفِرُوا۟ رَبَّكُمْ ثُمَّ تُوبُوٓا۟ إِلَيْهِ يُرْسِلِ ٱلسَّمَآءَ عَلَيْكُم مِّدْرَارًۭا وَيَزِدْكُمْ قُوَّةً إِلَىٰ قُوَّتِكُمْ وَلَا تَتَوَلَّوْا۟ مُجْرِمِينَ ٥٢
"And O my people! Seek your Lord’s forgiveness and turn to Him in repentance. He will shower you with rain in abundance and add strength to your strength. So do not turn away, persisting in wickedness."
Step 2: Seek Allah's Guidance
Seek Allah's guidance. It is vital in all aspects of life to seek Allah's guidance. It is especially important when we have been hurt or wronged. Emotions can run high, and seeking Allah's guidance is a way of regulating your emotions by putting your trust in Allah and allowing yourself to feel the comfort that comes with knowing Allah is in charge. You are a slave of Allah, here to worship Him and live a life that is in remembrance of Him. Putting your trust in Allah will give you strength and clarity, like you have never experienced in your life. And the more you seek His guidance the better and stronger you we feel. I remember life before I relied on Allah and I never want to go back to that place. Self-reliance sucks! It is an illusion and the only true reliance that strengthens the heart and eases all troubles is reliance on Allah, the One who Fashioned you!.
I have recently been in a situation that caused me significant emotional distress, and honestly, it came out of left field. Someone I trusted hurt me, and I struggled to forgive this person. I sought Allah's forgiveness and His guidance, and I struggled for about a month. The situation made me question myself. But I remained steadfast despite the emotional discomfort and knew with yaqeen (certainty) that Allah would guide me.
Then a series of events helped me to understand why I was unable to fully forgive. I was angry, and I had not yet acknowledged my emotions.
Step 3: Acknowledge Your Emotions - Letting Your Feelings & Release Speak
Join the conversation in the chat below, just click on reply and let us hear you!
There is a lot of misconception about acknowledging your emotions. What I have observed in coaching is that we tend to believe that our emotions need to be validated by others. But that is not what I am referring to when I say acknowledging your emotions. Telling the person who hurt you can be a form of release, but it can also be detrimental, especially if they choose to invalidate your emotions.
Acknowledging your emotions means sitting with your emotions and understanding what you feel, why you feel that way, and how it impacts you. The remainder of this article will focus on step 3.
One question I have asked often as a coach is: If your feelings could speak, what would they say? Pro tip: write it out and then, under safe condition, discard it.
This question creates the necessary distance between you and the hurt, allowing you to take a step back to facilitate acknowledging your emotions. One misconception I have often heard from Muslims is the idea that having sabr means completely ignoring their emotions. There is a prevailing idea that by allowing yourself to experience your emotions, you are questioning the Qadr of Allah or being displeased with Allah somehow. But honestly, who gave you those emotions in the first place? And what is the purpose of them?
Our emotions are a gift from Allah SWT, allowing us to live and feel the full range of the human experience. Our religion encourages us to engage positively with our emotions, including allowing ourselves to feel and acknowledge sadness, anger, and grief, to name a but few.
When the Prophet's (SAW) young son Ibrahim died, he (SAW) shed tears, and he (SAW) called those tears a mercy from Allah.
Anas ibn Malik reported: We entered the house of Abu Sayf along with the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, who was the husband of Ibrahim’s wet-nurse, upon him be peace. The Prophet took hold of Ibrahim, kissed him, and smelled him. Then, we entered after that as Ibrahim was breathing his last breaths. It made the eyes of the Prophet shed tears. Abdur Rahman ibn Awf said, “Even you, O Messenger of Allah?” The Prophet said, “O Ibn Awf, this is mercy.” Then, the Prophet wept some more, and he said, “Verily, the eyes shed tears, and the heart is grieved, but we will not say anything except what is pleasing to our Lord. We are saddened by your departure, O Ibrahim.”
Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Al-Bukhari
There are three main lessons that I want to focus on from this hadith:
Lesson 1:
The Prophet (SAW) physically expressed his emotions.
“It made the eyes of the Prophet shed tears.”
Having sabr doesn't mean that you can't cry. One type of sabr is to accept the decree (qadr of Allah), but you can still cry about the degree. For more about sabr, please click here:
Allow yourself to experience your emotions the way Allah created you. Shed tears, feel angry and express it in a healthy manner (more on that in a bit) and let your emotions exist. The problem becomes when you allow your emotions to make you into a hot mess who has no control over herself. This is often the result of unacknowledged emotions bubbling to the surface and causing a meltdown. Acknowledging your emotions is a vital step in regulating your emotions.
Lesson 2:
When questioned by the Companion Abdur Rahman ibn Awf “Even you, O Messenger of Allah?” part of his (SAW) response was, “The heart is grieved.” He (SAW) is acknowledging his (SAW) internal emotional state and that he (SAW) was experiencing sadness. I have heard many Muslims say that they are not allowed to be sad because they believe Islam does not encourage it. But that is just straight up a incorrect assumption. The type of sadness that is discouraged is one that overwhelms you to the point it takes over your life, causes you to disobey Allah, and question Allah's Qadr.
He (SAW) continued: “But we will not say anything except what is pleasing to our Lord. We are saddened by your departure, O Ibrahim.”
We learn here that we can be sad, feel that pain in our hearts, cry, and yet not question Allah's qadr or speak negatively in any way to Allah, or harbor negative feelings towards Allah.
The hurt you are feeling due to the person who harmed you, and you are now struggling to forgive, that incident was chosen for you by Allah and it has the beautiful potential to draw you closer to Allah, to earn His love through your patience (sabr) in accepting His decree. It doesn't mean you can't seek justice, be angry or stand up for yourself. It simply means you accept that Allah chose it to happen to you and you use it as an opportunity to become a better Muslim by choosing the path most pleasing to Allah. And if the wrong committed against you is an injustice, seeking justice is well within your right.
Lesson 3:
The Prophet said, “O Ibn Awf, this is mercy.” Then, the Prophet wept some more.
Those tears you shed, are a mercy from Allah (SWT). That just blows my mind. When I think back at all the tears I shed, some just today as being a mercy from Allah makes me feel so loved and blessed by Allah. I think to myself, wow, Allah allowed me to cry. And that hasn't always been easy for me. Alhamdulillah.
The two practical tips based on this hadith that you can implement are:
Setting the intention to remember the next time that you shed tears, that you are in the company of the Prophet Muhammad (SAW), who also shed tears and taught you that it is a mercy from Allah. The more you remember that your tears are a mercy from the Lord of the Worlds, the easier carrying the pain will become, and the more your trust in Allah will increase, inshaaAllah.
Allow yourself to cry, the let the emotions out in a physical manner, hitting a pillow or like me I have a round ball with an angry face on it that I punch. Journal it out, and talk to Allah and if need be to a friend but be mindful to not backbit or vent in a manner displeasing to Allah. Make dua to Allah to make it easy for you to shed tears, release that anger and acknowledge what you are feeling.
Next week we will continue to explore the practical steps towards forgivingness. Be sure to join the chat and continue this conversation I would love to hear from you.
I promised last week to talk about setting boundaries today but at I crafted this newsletter I realized that discussion is for a later newsletter in this series. I will also be sharing a hack I mentioned in last week’s newsletter than will help you to shift your emotions and find the blessings in your struggles. That will be shared in an upcoming newsletter be sure to subscribe and get updated as soon a I publish a newsletter and not miss out.
Three Coaching Questions:
If your feelings could speak, what would they say? Pro tip: write it out and then, under safe conditions, discard it to let it go.
How is holding onto resentment impacting your well-being?
What lessons have you learned from the experience that you are struggling to let go of? Apply these lessons to your personal growth; they will be invaluable for letting go and forgiving.
I want you to remember the path to forgiveness involves seeking Allah's forgiveness, seeking His guidance, and acknowledging your emotions. By turning to Allah and understanding your own emotional state, you pave the way for genuine forgiveness and personal growth.
What are your thoughts on forgiveness? Share your experiences or questions in the chat. Let's create a supportive community where we can learn from each other's journeys.
Ramadan Mubarak and May Allah allow us and our families to reach Eid and accept our ibadah and may we leave Ramadan a much better person than we entered it ameen.
Much love,
Nour
The Quran the speech of Allah. Recite it, read it, connect with it. It is a guidance for all of mankind and it will never disappoint you.
شَهْرُ رَمَضَانَ ٱلَّذِىٓ أُنزِلَ فِيهِ ٱلْقُرْءَانُ هُدًۭى لِّلنَّاسِ وَبَيِّنَـٰتٍۢ مِّنَ ٱلْهُدَىٰ وَٱلْفُرْقَانِ ۚ فَمَن شَهِدَ مِنكُمُ ٱلشَّهْرَ فَلْيَصُمْهُ ۖ وَمَن كَانَ مَرِيضًا أَوْ عَلَىٰ سَفَرٍۢ فَعِدَّةٌۭ مِّنْ أَيَّامٍ أُخَرَ ۗ يُرِيدُ ٱللَّهُ بِكُمُ ٱلْيُسْرَ وَلَا يُرِيدُ بِكُمُ ٱلْعُسْرَ وَلِتُكْمِلُوا۟ ٱلْعِدَّةَ وَلِتُكَبِّرُوا۟ ٱللَّهَ عَلَىٰ مَا هَدَىٰكُمْ وَلَعَلَّكُمْ تَشْكُرُونَ ١٨٥
Ramaḍân is the month in which the Quran was revealed as a guide for humanity with clear proofs of guidance and the decisive authority. So whoever is present this month, let them fast. But whoever is ill or on a journey, then ˹let them fast˺ an equal number of days ˹after Ramaḍân˺. Allah intends ease for you, not hardship, so that you may complete the prescribed period and proclaim the greatness of Allah for guiding you, and perhaps you will be grateful.