What Is the Condition of My Heart Today?
Contentment and desperation do not live in the same house. My personal reflections on my illness.
﷽
Cultivate Beautiful Words — Especially to Yourself
I’ve been reflecting deeply on the lessons I’ve learned from my emergency surgery and everything that followed. I have, quite honestly, three or four different drafts of this reflection sitting in my Notes app on my iPhone because I couldn’t immediately put my finger on what lies at the core of my journey.
The questions that keep circling in my heart are these:
Why did Allah ﷻ choose me to remember my experience with the whispers of my sworn enemy — the Shaytan himself?
Why did Allah ﷻ make me steadfast?
What lesson am I meant to learn?
What does it say about the state of my heart?
And the most pressing question of all: was it a warning from Allah ﷻ … or a mercy — or both?
It’s a Lesson in Taqwa
The answer, I realized, is simple. Taqwa which is fear of Allah ﷻ in the sense of reverence and being mindful of His presence. Taqwa isn’t something you simply have; it’s something you must work on. You must develop it, cultivate it, nurture it, challenge it, and grow it — not on your own, but through your trust in Allah (tawakkul) and mindfulness (taqwa) of Allah ﷻ. You work toward it while knowing that it is He who ultimately expands it, He who tests it, and He who determines how far it grows.
This is the first lesson in taqwa:
You can’t call yourself a believer, claim to have taqwa, and then fall apart the moment Allah ﷻ delays something or tests you with a calamity. You must instead train yourself to love and accept Allah’s Qadr with grace and dignity. Doesn’t mean it can’t hurt! But it shouldn’t break you!
Back in 2020, I wrote on a sticky note:
“Cultivate beautiful words ♥️ — especially to yourself.”
I glued it to the wall above my desk, and it stayed there as a gentle reminder for a long time. Our thoughts shape our taqwa. My inner talk is now filled with rahma — but it wasn’t always. That is why I decided back in 2020 to cultivate beautiful words —especially to myself. I turned to Allah ﷻ in dua and began by taking action. Much of the P.A.U.S.E Framework started with that kind of inner work I am describing.
I still challenge myself, still push myself, but I no longer tear myself down. I speak beautiful words to myself even when I need to confront or correct myself. Cultivating that mindset has strengthened my taqwa by the will of Allah ﷻ.
The Lens of Our Thoughts
Often, the way we think of ourselves mirrors the way we think of Allah. How many times have you caught yourself saying, “It’s not fair”? Are you sure? Because Who chose that calamity — or that blessing— for you? Remember, the test can come in the form of a blessing too.
حَدَّثَنَا عُمَرُ بْنُ حَفْصٍ، حَدَّثَنَا أَبِي، حَدَّثَنَا الأَعْمَشُ، سَمِعْتُ أَبَا صَالِحٍ، عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ قَالَ قَالَ النَّبِيُّ صلى الله عليه وسلم “ يَقُولُ اللَّهُ تَعَالَى أَنَا عِنْدَ ظَنِّ عَبْدِي بِي، وَأَنَا مَعَهُ إِذَا ذَكَرَنِي، فَإِنْ ذَكَرَنِي فِي نَفْسِهِ ذَكَرْتُهُ فِي نَفْسِي، وَإِنْ ذَكَرَنِي فِي مَلأٍ ذَكَرْتُهُ فِي مَلأٍ خَيْرٍ مِنْهُمْ، وَإِنْ تَقَرَّبَ إِلَىَّ بِشِبْرٍ تَقَرَّبْتُ إِلَيْهِ ذِرَاعًا، وَإِنْ تَقَرَّبَ إِلَىَّ ذِرَاعًا تَقَرَّبْتُ إِلَيْهِ بَاعًا، وَإِنْ أَتَانِي يَمْشِي أَتَيْتُهُ هَرْوَلَةً ”.
Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet (ﷺ) said, “Allah says: ‘I am just as My slave thinks I am, (i.e. I am able to do for him what he thinks I can do for him) and I am with him if He remembers Me. If he remembers Me in himself, I too, remember him in Myself; and if he remembers Me in a group of people, I remember him in a group that is better than they; and if he comes one span nearer to Me, I go one cubit nearer to him; and if he comes one cubit nearer to Me, I go a distance of two outstretched arms nearer to him; and if he comes to Me walking, I go to him running.’ “
This is what I expect from Allah ﷻ — only the best. I believe with yaqeen that Allah ﷻ will answer my duas, guide me, and never let me go astray. But I’m also aware that I must continually purify my heart — and even that purification requires His help.
Earning Allah’s Pleasure
My only true concern in life now is earning Allah’s pleasure. And I didn’t get here overnight. It took years of conscious work, of failing and returning to Allah ﷻ, of purifying my heart again and again. Bit by bit, Allah ﷻ drew me closer. And I know this work isn’t done — it continues until my last breath. This isn’t a new self-help trend. This is tazkiyah, muhasabah — the ancient Islamic and continual work of the heart. Every test either grows your taqwa — or exposes your lack of it.
Desires and Detachment
Trusting Allah ﷻ which is having tawakkul grows from increased taqwa. Often we think it means giving up all desires, but this is not the case. Allah wants us to ask for what we want. I’ve not stopped desiring good and halal things for myself. I still hope for a marriage with someone truly compatible. But my understanding of compatibility has changed. We often say we want to marry for the sake of Allah ﷻ — but how many of us truly mean that? The heart longs for love and companionship, and that longing can be dangerous when it isn’t rooted in Allah ﷻ. I’ve reached a point where all I want is Allah’s Pleasure. It’s a peaceful place to be.
When I think about marriage, a few truths rise to the surface:
The one for you is the one who makes you run toward Allah ﷻ — and you must be that person for them too. My future husband, inShaaAllah, is someone I want to love for the sake of Allah. Why? Because when I love for His sake, I don’t show up worrying about myself — I show up from a place of taqwa, seeking only the Pleasure of Rabbi.
My question becomes:
“How can I nurture this love for my partner so that it’s pleasing to Allah ﷻ?”
And really, it’s the same with everything we do in life. If we center it around pleasing Allah ﷻ , we will be in a much better place than when we try to navigate it on our own. I want you to reflect deeply on the words Allah ﷻ has said in Surah al ‘Alaq:
96:6
كَلَّآ إِنَّ ٱلْإِنسَـٰنَ لَيَطْغَىٰٓ ٦
Most certainly, one exceeds all bounds
96:7
أَن رَّءَاهُ ٱسْتَغْنَىٰٓ ٧
once they think they are self-sufficient.
96:8
إِنَّ إِلَىٰ رَبِّكَ ٱلرُّجْعَىٰٓ ٨
˹But˺ surely to your Lord is the return ˹of all˺.
Every Choice Is a Test
I recently bought something new — and only afterward realized: You didn’t buy that for the sake of pleasing Allahﷻ . It was a powerful moment. Today, I walked past one of my favorite candy shops. My sweet tooth almost won — but I paused and said to myself:
“No, Nour. It’s not pleasing to Allah ﷻ because it will harm your body rather than nourish it.”
That thought surprised me. I knew it was guidance — from Allah ﷻ. When we make seeking His Pleasure our mission in life, Allah ﷻ guides us closer to Him.
My love for Allah ﷻ is greater than my love of candy. My love for Allah ﷻ is greater than my love and desire for a husband. My desire for intimacy — that quiet inside joke, that shared language between husband and wife — doesn’t have its own timing or plan. My only task is to take the action that’s pleasing to Allah ﷻ, to be content with what I have, and to trust His timing. The outcomes were never ours. Trying to control the outcome will lead to nothing but frustration, desperation, and worst of all distancing yourself from Allah ﷻ.
Contentment and desperation do not live in the same house.
All outcomes belong to the Owner of this Dominion, Al Malik— The King of Kings.
The Condition of the Heart
I may never be a mother. I may never be a wife again. Alhamdulillah. Whatever Allah ﷻ has given you or withheld from you, know that it is the best for you.
Cultivate taqwa, and contentment and tawakkul will follow.
Ponder this question I ask myself nearly every day!
What is the condition of my heart today?
And how can I turn it toward Allah?
I leave you with a recitation by Saleh al-Jafarawi, who was martyred in Gaza. Until his martyrdom, I had never heard of him — yet Allah ﷻ placed a love for him in my heart that I can’t put into words. The first time I heard his recitation — before I even knew he had been martyred — I wept. And I still do, every time I think of him.
It feels as though I’ve lost a brother.
Reading about Saleh’s life, I think of taqwa — the kind we rarely witness, the kind that the war on Gaza revealed to the world: true taqwa.
Ya Allah, grant Saleh Jannatul-Firdaus (جنّة الفردوس), and free Palestine and all who are oppressed. Ameen.
Click here for Saleh’s recitation Surah Baqarah (2:154-155)
The Cow (2:154-155)
2:154
وَلَا تَقُولُوا۟ لِمَن يُقْتَلُ فِى سَبِيلِ ٱللَّهِ أَمْوَٰتٌۢ ۚ بَلْ أَحْيَآءٌۭ وَلَـٰكِن لَّا تَشْعُرُونَ ١٥٤
Never say that those martyred in the cause of Allah are dead—in fact, they are alive! But you do not perceive it.
2:155
وَلَنَبْلُوَنَّكُم بِشَىْءٍۢ مِّنَ ٱلْخَوْفِ وَٱلْجُوعِ وَنَقْصٍۢ مِّنَ ٱلْأَمْوَٰلِ وَٱلْأَنفُسِ وَٱلثَّمَرَٰتِ ۗ وَبَشِّرِ ٱلصَّـٰبِرِينَ ١٥٥
We will certainly test you with a touch of fear and famine and loss of property, life, and crops. Give good news to those who patiently endure—
Much love,
A contented Nour Cauveren
Alhamdulillah.
P.S. I’d love to hear from you. What resonated most with you?
I love your example of how every choice is a test, like the candy. Food is a great example in my life of how I'm trying to be intentional, and often fail. Temptations are real!