Are you a people pleaser?

When People-Pleasing Meets Prayer Time: A Sweaty Situation

Photo by john crozier on Unsplash

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My best friend, Aisha, is a devout Muslim woman who finds joy in the simple things – baking elaborate pastries, tending to her beautiful garden, and spending evenings curled up with a good book. Me, on the other hand, I'm more of a spontaneous adventurer. But despite our contrasting lifestyles, our phone calls were like warm cups of chai, filled with laughter and endless conversation.

One evening, we were having one of those marathon chats, catching up on life. Aisha was describing the intricate sugar flowers she was crafting for a friend's wedding cake, her voice bubbling with excitement. As she spoke, the 'Maghrib approaching' notification on my phone buzzed. My stomach lurched.

People-pleasing was my middle name, and the thought of interrupting Aisha's creative flow, of breaking the spell of her artistic description, filled me with dread. Surely, missing a few minutes wouldn't hurt, right? So, I did what any self-respecting people-pleaser would do – I silenced the notification.

Fifteen minutes later, the urgency of the situation gnawed at me. My conscience pricked like a rogue embroidery needle. But the words "I gotta pray" remained stubbornly stuck in my throat.

Finally, a comfortable silence fell. Taking a deep breath, I blurted it out, "I, uh, actually need to go pray. Maghrib just passed."

To my surprise, Aisha chuckled softly. "Why didn't you say something earlier? Go pray, of course! I wouldn't want you to miss it on my account."

Relief washed over me, followed by a wave of amusement at my own ridiculousness. Here I was, worried sick about what my best friend, who is also Muslim, would think, when she would have been perfectly understanding.

Photo by Max van den Oetelaar on Unsplash

This used to be a big issue for me and mainly because I did not set clear boundaries with myself.

Setting boundaries with yourself means respecting your own needs for rest, salah, and personal growth. It allows you to prfioritize your spiritual health and avoid situations that might compromise your values. This self-respect then translates beautifully into your interactions with others. You become more confident in saying no to unreasonable demands, protecting your time and energy for those who truly deserve it.

But it starts with you. If you are not able to respect your own boundaries with yourself it will become challenging to set boundaries with others.

Our deen is a deen of boundaries. Allah swt has set boundaries for us and the Sunnah also teaches us about having boundaries with ourself and others, and most importantly not transgressing the boundaries set by Allah swt.

In Surah Nur, Allah says:

24:27

يَـٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ لَا تَدْخُلُوا۟ بُيُوتًا غَيْرَ بُيُوتِكُمْ حَتَّىٰ تَسْتَأْنِسُوا۟ وَتُسَلِّمُوا۟ عَلَىٰٓ أَهْلِهَا ۚ ذَٰلِكُمْ خَيْرٌۭ لَّكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَذَكَّرُونَ ٢٧

O believers! Do not enter any house other than your own until you have asked for permission and greeted its occupants. This is best for you, so perhaps you will be mindful.

This ayah illustrates the importance of setting boundaries and it also demonstrates the goodness in doing so to protect oneself.

Remember, a depleted well cannot offer water to others. Therefore, strong personal boundaries are not selfish, they are essential for living a balanced and fulfilling life according to Islamic values. Just as the garden flourishes with a fence, so too does our spiritual and emotional well-being when we prioritize self-care and set healthy boundaries

Healthy boundaries are good for you and for relationships. We can't expect others to prioritize our needs if we don't do it ourselves. And most importantly, a true friend would never want you to compromise your faith for their company.

Photo by Katrina Wright on Unsplash

Coaching Question: 

How does establishing clear boundaries with yourself, in terms of your time, energy, and emotional state, empower you to set healthy boundaries with others in a way that aligns with Islamic principles?

Let's cultivate a garden of healthy boundaries!

Think of yourself as a beautiful garden. To flourish, you need a fence. Boundaries act as that fence, protecting your well-being and allowing you to truly thrive.

Tell me in the comments below:

• Share your own tips for prioritizing self-care and saying "no" when needed.

By prioritizing our own needs and setting clear limits, we empower ourselves and each other to bloom. Let's spread the word about the importance of boundaries in Islam and build a community that supports balanced and fulfilling lives.

Here's how you can join the movement:

• Share this message on your social media platforms.

• Share this article with friends and loved ones.

Together, we can create a ripple effect of self-respect and healthy relationships within our communities. 

Much love,

Nour Cauveren

Here is a great talk on setting boundaries for your paradise and inner peace.