Finding Strength: Setting Boundaries as Muslim Women

My personal guide to how to set boundaries.

Photo by Anwaar Ali on Unsplash

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Sisters, have you ever felt like people-pleasers, constantly compromising your values for the sake of harmony? Many of us, myself included, have grappled with setting boundaries. But through embracing Islam, I discovered the true importance of boundaries. Our beautiful faith emphasizes respect and fostering healthy relationships, and boundaries are the cornerstone of achieving both.

The Importance of Boundaries in Islam

Last week, we explored the challenges of neglecting boundaries, like with a neighbor. Did you miss it? Check out the previous newsletter and be sure to share it: Are others violating your boundaries?

This week, we delve into establishing boundaries within our everyday connections. While navigating boundaries with those who constantly disrespect them requires a different approach one that I will not be discussing in this newsletter, understanding how to set healthy limits is crucial.

Love for Allah Starts with Self-Love

Have you ever considered that by loving yourself and giving yourself your rights you are expressing love for Allah swt? Anything we do purely for the sake of Allah swt is showered in barakah and that includes loving yourself for the sake of Allah. Allah has given you a trust by gifting you the gift of your life, your body, your mind, your heart, and your soul and you are also given the obligation to give yourself the rights you have upon yourself.

The Quran tells us Allah (SWT) loves those who love Him (Surah Al-Baqarah, 2:165). But how can we truly love Him if we are depleted and neglecting ourselves? Setting boundaries allows us to prioritize our spiritual practices, like prayer and Quran recitation, without feeling overwhelmed. It allows us to be present and mindful in our worship.

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The Benefits of Boundaries

Boundaries empower us in profound ways:

Strength Within: I used to think that setting a boundary would make me feel weak. My misconception stemmed from my intentions. I was so afraid of hurting others or losing their approval that I weakened my inner strength. 

Once I switched my intention to protecting my boundaries to ensure I give myself my rights for the sake of Allah swt, everything changed. The first time I set a boundary I was so incredibly nervous but afterward, I felt empowered and the more I set boundaries the easier it got and I grew in confidence. Recently, I had to set boundaries with family members and it was uncomfortable. I got remarks like: “You have changed. We are not used to you like this.” And while it would make them more comfortable for me to be my old people-pleaser self, I knew these comments meant I was doing a good job protecting my boundaries. I prepared myself for the fallout and their disapproval by relying on Allah swt and He gave me the strength and the courage I needed. And despite the disapproval of those not used to me setting boundaries, it has been a wonderfully empowering experience. I want the same for you because setting boundaries allows us to prioritize our well-being and cultivate a more fulfilling life.

Stronger Relationships: Clear boundaries foster trust and respect within our connections.

I have noticed that my significant relationships have become more meaningful and whilst some are still fraught with difficulties our interactions are more beneficial because I am clear on what is okay and what is not. And remember boundaries are a two way street so be sure to respect the boundaries of others.

Deepening Your Connection with Allah (SWT): Respecting your limits strengthens your relationship with Allah (SWT) by honoring the values He has bestowed upon you. 

This is the most important relationship that boundaries help to strengthen and protect. Now instead of worrying about what others will think (I still sometimes do) I turn and ask what will please Allah most. This has become my default question and it has helped me beyond what words can express to set clear boundaries. I have noticed that it has also helped me to improve my acts of worship because I have more peace of mind.

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Setting Boundaries: A Practical Guide

Here are some steps to help you establish healthy boundaries, in sha Allah:

1. Identify Your Needs: What are your comfort levels? What behaviors drain your energy or make you feel disrespected? What signals are you ignoring that tell you what your boundaries are?

You first need to know what your needs are. I had no clue what my needs were because I never stopped to ask myself and once I did I realized that I continually allowed others to violate my boundaries because I had not expressed them, simply because I did not know what my needs were and by extension did not know what my boundaries were.

1. Communicate Clearly: Express your boundaries calmly and assertively.

   Example: "Our friendship is precious to me, but I need some personal space on weekday evenings."

   If you are uncomfortable setting boundaries you may want to practice this over and over. What you want to avoid is blaming the other person or using language that will make them feel defensive. In the above example, you are communicating your boundary without beating around the bush but remaining polite. you may need to adjust it according to your culturally accepted norms.

2. Enforce Your Boundaries: If someone violates your boundaries, address it head-on, with gentleness but firmness.

This one can be really tough. I have a hard time with this. I have learned that setting boundaries is only a small part of it. Most of the time will be spent enforcing and maintaining your boundaries. And if someone continually violates your boundaries you may want to reevaluate the relationship.

Example: "We spoke about needing quiet time in the evenings. Can we reschedule our call for another day?" Be Kind but Firm: It's okay to say no. Don't feel obligated to justify your boundaries. But remember to be kind when enforcing your boundaries. Allah teaches us in the Quran, in Surah Taha, how to be kind yet firm:

20:43 ٱذْهَبَآ إِلَىٰ فِرْعَوْنَ إِنَّهُۥ طَغَىٰ ٤٣

Go, both of you, to Pharaoh, for he has truly transgressed ˹all bounds˺.

20:44 فَقُولَا لَهُۥ قَوْلًۭا لَّيِّنًۭا لَّعَلَّهُۥ يَتَذَكَّرُ أَوْ يَخْشَىٰ ٤٤

Speak to him gently, so perhaps he may be mindful ˹of Me˺ or fearful ˹of My punishment˺.”

20:45 قَالَا رَبَّنَآ إِنَّنَا نَخَافُ أَن يَفْرُطَ عَلَيْنَآ أَوْ أَن يَطْغَىٰ ٤٥

They both pleaded, “Our Lord! We fear that he may be quick to harm us or act tyrannically.”

20:46 قَالَ لَا تَخَافَآ ۖ إِنَّنِى مَعَكُمَآ أَسْمَعُ وَأَرَىٰ ٤٦

Allah reassured ˹them˺, “Have no fear! I am with you, hearing and seeing.

20:47 فَأْتِيَاهُ فَقُولَآ إِنَّا رَسُولَا رَبِّكَ فَأَرْسِلْ مَعَنَا بَنِىٓ إِسْرَٰٓءِيلَ وَلَا تُعَذِّبْهُمْ ۖ قَدْ جِئْنَـٰكَ بِـَٔايَةٍۢ مِّن رَّبِّكَ ۖ وَٱلسَّلَـٰمُ عَلَىٰ مَنِ ٱتَّبَعَ ٱلْهُدَىٰٓ ٤٧

So go to him and say, ‘Indeed we are both messengers from your Lord, so let the Children of Israel go with us, and do not oppress them. We have come to you with a sign from your Lord. And salvation will be for whoever follows the ˹right˺ guidance.

20:48 إِنَّا قَدْ أُوحِىَ إِلَيْنَآ أَنَّ ٱلْعَذَابَ عَلَىٰ مَن كَذَّبَ وَتَوَلَّىٰ ٤٨

It has indeed been revealed to us that the punishment will be upon whoever denies ˹the truth˺ and turns away.’”

Be Patient: Change takes time. People may need to adjust, and that's okay. Just remain consistent and steadfast. Allah loves the consistent good deed.

Being consistent and patient is the key because it is the only way to ensure you become comfortable with setting boundaries and it gives others time to learn what your boundaries are.

Remember to be compassionate with yourself and give yourself time to learn. It’s like learning any new skill, it will take time but the more your practice the easy it becomes, InShaaAllah.

May Allah make setting boundaries easy for you Ameen

Much love 💕

Nour Cauveren

Photo by Markus Winkler on Unsplash

Share the Strength, and Spread the Knowledge!

Open and honest conversations empower us all. Share this newsletter with five sisters in faith and let's create a supportive space to set healthy boundaries.

Before I delve into today's coaching question you may have missed some previous newsletters that may benefit you:

Let’s talk by joining my chat I’d love to hear from you so join my chat and let your voice be heard!

Are you afraid? Me too! In this newsletter I delve into fear and what it taught me.

Spill the tea Sis! Does Ramadan feel like ages ago and you slipped back to your old habit? Then hold yourself accountable here by setting a powerful process-driven accountability statement, click here and fire away.

Are you a people pleaser? A different take on boundaries.

Are you grateful? I look into how we can increase our gratitude in a more practical manner.

Coaching Question

Reflecting on a specific area of your life, how can setting healthy boundaries demonstrate your love for yourself and, ultimately, for Allah (SWT)?

Pro tip: Keep a journal with these coaching questions. It can be a written journal or an audio journal. It is a good way to track your progress and I find that what I document I work on, even if I am not subconsciously aware that I am. When I read by my journaling notes I see my own growth and progress.

Please share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below! By sharing, we can all learn and grow together.

This week I would love for you to share your joyful picks.

What inspires you? What do you love? What tips do you want to share with others? Perhaps it's a book you’ve read or anything that has resonated with you and given you joy. Share it with others in the comments or by replying to this email.